Instant Nausea Triggers

I previously wrote about an affliction I am frequently plagued by: Instant Nausea. Many times this phenomenon comes outta nowhere. But I can think of a few things that trigger this sensation:

Saliva: The other day, I was looking at a dirty coffee pot and it looked as if there were webby streaks of slimy saliva toward the back...mixing in to the coffee. Much to my surprise, I did NOT pick it up for further investigation (I often like to torture myself that way... like the time I kept smelling my roomie's Nylon sample she made in Chem Lab. Stunk like hell...but I kept goin' back for more!).

Formaldyhide(sp?): Or, worse yet, what's kept inside the jar of it. No wonder I didn't do well in HS Biology. I was transfixed by those fucking "noodles" floatin' in that jar up on the shelves. You know the jar. The one right next to the phoetal pig...in formaldyhide(sp?). EW! I'm sickin' out just thinkin' about it now!

Boogers/snot: Need any further explanation?

Clumps of Ranch Dressing floating in my kitchen sink: Nearly every day, I bring cut-up veggies to lunch with me. As if raw vegetables alone are not treat enough, sometimes I splurge and bring a container of ranch dressing for dippin'. Something happens to that ranch dressing by the time I get it home. When I wash out my lunch dishes for the day, the dressing comes out in chunks and floats around in the sink water. The water can't even break it up enough to go down the sink strainer. It's the sickest thing! I was just now thinking about that (as I finished today's lunch - I looked at my mostly empty container of dressing, thinking about what it would look like tonite). I SWEAR I almost hurled. I honestly had to wait for the feeling to pass before I could write about it (Orbit gum helped too!)

International Audibles: If you IM using Yahoo! you know what I'm talkin' about! There's a new "International" category for audibles. What is UP with those freakish characters from India?!?!?!? That bald-bug-eyed crazy dude that yells mish-mash at the top of his lungs??? And what about that scary blue-faced old bat that bleats "Bhhooooooooooot" and disappears. Weird and twisted! Are these from India's Saturday morning cartoon block? Man, if so, do I feel sorry for THOSE kids! Lookin' at that blue-faced lady truly stirs up feelings of nausea inside of me!

Newsprint: IT STINKS!!! If the newspaper is sittin' around and it's stench wafts under my nostrils...forget it!

10 Minutes for Pukin'

OK - I have 10minutes 'til my 4PM appt. shows up. No point in being productive, so I may as well blog (might as well).

I'm just sittin' here reeling in sickness. You shoulda seen the size of the "Snicker's Chocolate Mess" they brought to our table in celebration of ABomb's BDay. I devoured the majority of it (Happy Birfday to ME!). As if that weren't enough...I had to top that off with a piece of "Going Away" Ice Cream Cake back at the office.

I feel so SICK right now. I might rowlf all over my 4:oo! If not that, I might just find a Snicker's mess in my pants. Hell, I may as well have just put that dessert right into my pants instead of wasting time putting it in my mouth.

Lunch Hour Defecation

Can I please, JUST ONCE, complete a lunch-hour shopping trip to Target without having to drop a deuce?!?!?! I mean, REALLY! Is there a bowel-movement-inducing, free-form, colorless, odorless gas flowing through Target's venilation ducts? 'Cuz I SWEAR, man...everytime! It's nuts...nuts, I tell you...NUTS!!!

What started off as a leisurely stroll, soon turned to anxiety-ridden glute-locked gait back and forth in the clearance section. After the next wave passed, I sauntered up to a Target Red-Shirt and politely queried: "Excuuuuse me? Where are your restrooms?" with a pleasant smile and doe-like eyes. Like I hadn't been to the Target restrooms before! But, in all honesty, my panic fever obliterated all memory and I was uncertain.

After receiving instructions, I casually pushed my cart in the right direction...picking up speed the closer I got. Once inside the stall, I felt guilty for not warning the two other occupants at the sink, encouraging their evacuation. Fortunately for them, they were on their way out. They were the lucky ones.

Finally. Peace and quiet. I've got the Target Crapper all to myself. Not for long. Entrez-TWO. And guess which stalls are chosen? Of all the vacant johnnies, both these women straddle either side of me! I looked at my hazy reflection in the stainless steel stall door, threw up my hands and ax'd, "What the FUCK?!?!?!" Then traffic really started pickin' up. Fortunately, I wasn't too noisy in my venture. But this one poor, POOR soul was makin' a beeline for my stall as soon as I exited and headed for the sink. Woe, woe is she!

When all was said and done...I got outta there with some good deals!).

UNDER ATTACK!!!

Our office is infested with gnats. SONSO (short for "SONS O' BITCHES"). Ya can't catch/kill them things to save your life! Bastards!

An old friend...

a pal of mine, Dixon Whehtpouseze, resurfaced today. He is a funny dude. We first met Dixon on NYE, several year's back. We were trippin' and watching that 24hr religious channel. What a FREAK SHOW!!! You know what show I'm talkin' about http://www.tbn.org:

The host & hostess are 7,000 years old. You can see his bladder bag through his Hagar's and she is a clone of Tammy Faye with about 11 pounds of hair piled on top of her lifted lid. But they're actually the tame ones of the bunch. Ever get a look at some of the other dildos on that show? All the men either have REAL BAD poodleperms...or REAL BAD poodleperms with MULLET action!!! Their wives(?) or female counterparts have asses the size of trains and hairstyles reminscent of 80s metal bands.

But how about the whore who hosts the CHILDREN'S hour in the a.m.?!?!?! My GOD! Here's this bitch-hogue who looks like she just walked over from the porn studio across the hallway to read BIBLE versus to little prissy submissive girls and faggy l'il boys. It is the MOST whack!!!
Anyone who'd send money to this circus is a freakin' MORON!!!!

SWEET!

J-Lo just made the year's "Most Influential Hispanic" list!

Yet another new TechTard feature: The Swingset Diaries. An explanation of "swingset" is in order. It's the term I use when I get on my soapbox about the shitty direction this world is taking!

You see...I'm from one of those conservative, Godfearing, Catholic families where family get-togethers served no other purpose but to update one another on doom-n-gloom! I can't tell you how many nites, as a wee one, I'd lay there in my dark bedroom, eyes bugged open, sweating, thinking of impending nuclear doom, for example. At age 7, I had the mere childhood pleasure of overhearing my mother discussing a prophetic story with someone: In the year 1986, some temple somewhere in Jerusalem was going to collapse and that would bring on the end of the world. You can imagine how well I slept for the next coupla weeks.

What's a child to do? Pent-up with all of this anxiety, anquish and worry. SHARE IT, of course! One day, playing on the SWINGSET with my friend Cassie...I decided to get on the doom-n-gloom bandwagon (why not, everyone else was doin' it?!?!?!). I triumphantly pronounced the prophetic tale to Cassie...eagerly awaiting her reaction (no doubt one of astonishment...begging for more details...of which I had none!).

Immediately, Cassie BURST into tears!!! She ran as fast as her legs could carry her -- away from me and into the loving comfort and safety of her mother's arms. Me...I just stayed planted on the swingset, pathetically looking after Cassie, thinking: "Yes...that's good, Cassie. Run...RUN as fast as your legs will carry you. For you know it to be true! There's no running away from any of it!!!" The memory gets foggy after that...but I THINK that might've been the last time I was invited over to Cassie's.

So, there you have it...stay tuned for future installments of the Swingset Diaries. Feel free to throw a topic onto the table!

Chuck-a-luks

I'm visiting my mom & dad right now. They ROCK! My dad's name is Chuck. He comes up with some great sayings and observations every now & then. I shall share these with you from time to time in feature column called "Chuck-a-luks."

[The Tribe game is on. The anncr mentioned that so-and-so pulled a calf muscle]
Chuck-a-luk: "What's wrong with pulling a 'horse muscle'?"

Nyuk-nyuk on the Chuck-a-luk!

Cursed with a Stoopid Laugh

I have the dumbest natural laugh. Like --- I'm not talkin' about what I sound like when I'm truly crakkin' up (on the verge of squirtin' myself).

I'm talking about the first reaction laugh to something funny. Many women have a soft, attractive, contagious giggle. Not me. My first reaction is a loud, booming, "HUHH!!!"
It's so stoopid and so not feminine.

I've had it since childhood --- it ain't goin' away anytime soon.

The Fresh Puke of BelAir

Speakin' of puke...

I once observed two old friends re-unite with one another on the patio of Frankie's, a Bar in Toledo. They exchanged the usual:

Dude1: Hey (name)! Is that YOU?!?!?
Dude2: H-h-hheeeeeey, maaaaaaaaan...what's up?!?!?!?
Dude1: Ah, not much (hand shake taking place at this point).
Dude2: You still live around here, then?
Dude1: Yea...so what else is goin' on?
Dude2: Uh...not much...almost stepped in that puke over there...
Dude1: Oh wow...was it fresh puke?
Dude2: I dunno, man... I think the guy just had dinner, man...
Dude1: Whoa...

That was the extent of the reunion.

ICK! Instant Nausea...

I'm experiencing this right now. Has this ever happened to you? Where suddenly, you're just overcome with the feeling to YAK?!?!?! I hate it. Some people get it to the point where their eyes begin watering.

It's the weirdest thing. I dunno what triggers it. Sometimes an odor. Sometimes a vision. Sometimes a sound. Sometimes...nothing at all. It usually disappears as quickly as it comes on. I've never puked from it. Just makes me sick overall.

This poor soul knows of what I speak

Starting to have fun

OK - I can see now how this becomes addictive and enjoyable. Maybe...just MAYBE I'll halfta change the name of my blog someday??? Ya think. Wish I could figure out the whole picture sharing thing. Until then...here's me:

TechTard strikes again...

So, I'm back. It took me awhile to figure out how to find the blog I created only yesterday. After a few reminder password/username emails, I'm back in bi'niss.

I have to admit, I thought I'd be more impressed when I looked at my blog out there in cyberspace. What the heck do you freaques yap about? I mean, I guess I could share my opinions or daily doings...but why should you care? That's the part that blows my skull apart.

OK - I'll tell you something. The homemade corn salsa I'm eating right now ROCKS! Damnit! The chips are broken up into tiny pieces. SONSO!!! I'll just drink it. If you hang with me long enough, you'll find that I like to eat.

WTF?

OK - I'm all new to this blog stuff. My co-worker just hooked me in. I'm not tech-savvy by any means...and I gotta get over that.

Allright - IMANA click enter and see what da dealio...